CHAPTER 3 (PART 1) - A LOST POLAROID

I have a box of polaroids buried deep within my soul somewhere. All my moments of happiness, pain and love are captured in those polaroids. But I lost one polaroid, favourite of mine. Will you all travel with me to the darkest of places to find it ?

At age of 16 when everyone around me were chasing happiness and capturing pretty moments, I gathered courage to face myself. When I was 13 years old, I felt I was different in a way than others. I hit rock bottom at that time as I used to spend numerous nights crying and being depressed. I realised and accepted the fact that I am gay which gave me more strength to look inside me and believe in my most imperfect parts. So I decided to educate myself about this and started surfing various articles on internet about homophobia and homosexuality. Watching web series helped me a lot and gave me courage for confrontation. I felt lost whenever I found myself in the middle of people. I was afraid of people’s perception of me. 

But these thoughts started fading away once I came out to my dad.

My dad has always been the ‘Chandler’ in my life and helped me balance in places where I stumbled. I have a ritual of going for night walks with my dad where we used to discuss life. One night when we were walking, I decided to come out to him. To my surprise, he became my “hand of hope” when I opened up to him about my sexuality. He valued me more than my sexuality but he wanted to consult a psychiatrist to be sure. I went according to his will and consulted a series of psychiatrists. I was claimed to be diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder by some of the psychiatrists and had to undergo series of humiliating questions targeting my porn preference. I was consulted to be on anti depressant pills and shock therapy if things go worse. My psychiatrist was determined to find ways for proving me wrong. I got so depressed and was tired of being stereotyped as ‘abnormal’. When I opened up about these series of harassment to dad, he understood my situation and stopped my therapy right away. 

It’s been 1.5-2 years since I came out to my dad and recently came out to my mom too. She took it in a very positive way and made sure that I don’t feel inferior because of my sexuality. This is where I found my lost polaroid of self identification, it was stuck somewhere in the society’s stories of taboos. I feel extremely lucky and blessed to have such an amazing family. But I know it’s not this easy for others. My message for all of you stuck in the spectrum of sexuality is to never doubt yourself, even if the world is against you. You will ultimately find someone who will believe in you and be your “hand of hope”.