CHAPTER 6- A WALLFLOWER'S WISH

 

I had a wish to make, so strong it can move the mountains , so soothing it can mute the ocean voices, So focused it can blur an eagle's vision

But guess where it took me,

To a land of nowhere where I found my real self.

Like most of us, I grew up watching CID and was really fascinated by what all Dr. Salunkhe did. Eventually my interest in forensics made me want to be a surgeon.

By the time I reached my 10th standard I was sure I would go for medical and I did.

I opted medical stream in my +1,+2 despite my family, friends and even counselor's suggesting me to not but go for humanities instead. Anyhow I did what I had always thought of.

11 began, so did my coaching and i completely dedicated myself to studies.

School, tuitions, assignments, self study was all that I wanted/could have around me. Like every other student I too didn't have a good start, I was not getting results as good as efforts I was putting, nor was I able to cope with school and coaching. I kept going, studied hard, cutoff my sleep, friends all with my choice but the results still didn't get any better, which then started bothering me and I got more hard on myself which consequently affected my personality.

Self doubt, low esteem, overthinking went on with me as a part of my syllabus.

Then came a point where I left everything as it was, I avoided school, ignored studying, faked to not worry and ta-dah! failed in two major subjects and to be honest I failed miserably. Somehow literally with god's "grace" I managed to get into +2. This setback hit me and I realised that I cannot, and moreover should not avoid it because it's of no use. By hook or crook I will have to do it, so I started of 12 with more dedication, I worked more hard, there were times when I won't sleep 3-4 days, I got habitual to coffee, I did everything with my choice but things were not ready to get my way.

I felt lost. I loved writing but was not able to write my own name in one flow. I had no confidence, I was struggling with anxiety, anxiety attacks got frequent, I would breakdown almost everyday and it was in mid of 12 I got back intouch with my friends, which it redirected my journey. They pushed me to get out of what I was stuck in, I began to believe in myself once again. I started fresh, learnt to keep myself at peace.

I got new reasons to work hard for and I did, but the results which still were not in my favour didn't bother me anymore because I knew I was giving my 100%.

Yeah, I got upset, I would cry all night but then accepted the reality and started hustling the next morning. I began writing again, I talked to myself and this self analysis made me realise that something was wrong. All my efforts might be right but maybe are in the wrong direction because I was not getting back the energy I was giving. Then came the boards exam, I passed my +2 with 68%, hit another low but managed to collect myself for the preparations of my entrance exam.

I did the best I could, appeared for neet and guess what?.. could not make it to medical college :)

Once again I hit the rock bottom.

And this time I hit hard and became so anxious. I felt it was the end. I had no plan B, never thought of any other option and now I was left with nothing. I have always been a person with a vision and could not just do anything coming my way so dropped the next year.

I wanted to give a second chance so geared up for the preparations. At the same time I began my self exploration, which I'm grateful to myself for.

In this drop year, I took a break from the external environment and focused on what I'm made for rather than what I want something to be for me.

With time I realised that it was not me who was not meant for it, but MBBS was really not the thing for me.

I restored my confidence, potential and figured out my passion, learnt to use it for the service of others and today I can proudly say that I am aware of myself and my life's purpose.

This might be a year wasted for others, but it actually redefined my life. It not only showed me my actual path but also gave the courage to follow it. 

I did attempt neet second time, not because I had hopes or to try my luck but to give a closure to something I had invested so much in, something I had with me since childhood, something that gave me my purpose.

I'm pursuing my bachelor's in psychology and I'm happy. For me, my words are my sword, they give me power and I feel blessed to use them to share my privileges.

It's tough for a visionary to have her vision blurred and often in the fogs of today, tomorrows are lost. But remember, 

anxious are those who are ambitious,

things will trouble you only when you yourself have a plan, a vision for it.

Accept your anxiousness, embrace it.

Think- but don't just think, 

take your initiatives, 

use what you have

to make what you want.